Little Ms. Polymath

aka the know-it-all

slumberland. February 26, 2010

Filed under: unemployment diary — mspolymath @ 8:52 am

I have a love-hate relationship with sleep. Without outside help it can take me two or three hours to fall asleep. Then comes the waking up part. No, I don’t drift off and sleep through the night. Sometimes I’ll wake up as often as every hour. As you can imagine my behavior the day (and weeks…) after not getting much sleep is the real nightmare.

This went on for years, until a nice doctor introduced me to my friend Ambien. Or at least the generic equivalent of Ambien. On a bad night it may still take me an hour or so to fall asleep, but then I actually sleep – sometimes for four or five hours straight! It’s truly a miracle.

I’ve heard all the Ambien horror stories – addiction, driving while sleeping, and tons of other erratic behavior. I didn’t think I’d have to deal with any of those issues until the other night.

Tuesday night I took my pill and went to bed. Then I got out of bed and  went online and bought a Wii. And a printer (to be fair, we need the printer and it was on sale and I was going to buy it anyway. Plus, free shipping!). I also bought a cardigan sweater, a game for the Wii, and a rug. That one is the most baffling. I mean, we needed a small rug for the bedroom, but I’m not sure what prompted me to buy one online (but again, free shipping!). I’m a little concerned by my Ambien-induced taste level. It will either be a wonderful success or a daily reminder not to shop while under the influence. Should be interesting.

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dangerous wieners. February 25, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized,unemployment diary — mspolymath @ 8:15 am

Let me start with a disclaimer: I am anti-child choking. Of course I don’t want anything to happen to kids. Still, I think we tend to go a bit too far in the overprotection department in this country. Did you know there’s never been a single solitary reported case of a razor blade in a Halloween apple? Yet every Halloween (you know, around 3:30 p.m. the day the kids are allowed their 20 minutes of Trick or Treating action) the media and watchdog groups behave as if every wrapped treat is full of napalm and barbed wire, just waiting to kill innocent kiddos. But I digress.

The latest outcry is to redesign hotdogs. You know, sausages made up of mostly scraps from the slaughterhouse floor. Oh, they want to improve the nutritional content of hotdogs, maybe remove the nitrates and other preservatives? No. They want to change the shape, because hot dogs are dangerous.

“Any food that has a cylindrical or round shape poses a risk,” said Dr. Gary Smith, immediate-past chairman of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Committee on Injury, Violence and Poison Prevention. In addition to the redesign, the committee wants warning labels so those who are not so bright understand small children could choke while eating hotdogs.

A little internet research shows the actual odds an American child will choke to death on a hot dog are roughly 1 in 181,230. The odds are better that an American will die being struck by lightning and roughly the same that he  will die from a pet dog or snake bite. I propose we begin legislation to defang all household pets immediately.

Still, maybe there is something to this killer hot dog business. Last September the KC Royals mascot Sluggerrr threw a hot dog into the stands at and hit a fan in the eye. He’s suing the team for $25,000.

Sure, hot dogs may look benign, but they're secret killers. If they're not choking babies, they're attacking sports fans.

 

too fat to fly. February 24, 2010

Filed under: unemployment diary — mspolymath @ 9:37 am

I’m sure you’ve all heard the hubbub about Kevin Smith being too fat to fly on Southwest Airlines.  As a (insert your favorite fat euphemism here. Can’t think of one? Try: plus-size, plump, chubby, zaftig, Rubenesque, husky, large(r), or porky) woman, I can relate to flying while fat. Of course due to pride and ego I must stress that I’ve never needed a seatbelt extender nor have I had issue putting both armrests down, but I’ve worried about it. Planes aren’t really comfortable places for anyone, and when you’re worried about spilling over onto the stranger next to you for several hours, it’s stressful.

Still, I’ve flown next to people much larger than myself. I’ve never worried about anyone’s safety, and it’s really not that big of a deal. Because there are SO MANY worse situations to be stuck with while flying than a fat person. For example:

1. B.O. dude. You know him. He REEKS. Is it crotch rot? Dunno. All you know is the odor travels and lingers so badly you have to shower the minute you land.

2. Ear crud dude. I sat next to this guy on a flight from Minneapolis to Seattle. That’s a long trip to watch a colony of Sea Monkeys grow and build a world in someone’s ear.

3. The turner. She’s the woman who has to CONSTANTLY talk to the person in the seat behind her. You offer to switch with her traveling companion to make life easier for everyone, but for some sick, twisted reason they decline. Instead the woman keeps turning and turning the entire flight. Fortunately the bruises are minimal.

4. Children. Sure, I only really like seven kids on this planet. Still, I don’t blame the parents or the children for bad behavior on flights. They’re children. But I don’t want to sit near a screaming baby, a kicking toddler or an angry six-year-old as I struggle to sleep on a transatlantic flight. Something about their terror/violence/anger puts me on edge.

And these are just a few examples. Let’s not forget the chatty fellow, the woman who falls asleep with her head on your shoulder (and drools, and snores), the snob, the slob (how much shit *can* one person load on a seatback tray?), and countless others. It’s been my experience that fat people are usually pretty self-conscious and will do a lot to avoid getting attention. That means they don’t talk to you. They try their hardest not to encroach on your space. And they certainly don’t rest their head on your shoulder when napping.

This kid is already a turner! And two seconds away from a meltdown.

 

how much for just one rib? February 22, 2010

Filed under: unemployment diary — mspolymath @ 8:16 am

Can you believe this didn't catch on? What a timesaver!

I’m on day six of meat-and-sweet-free living. I haven’t caved, but I’ve certainly thought about it. Even ribs in a can are starting to sound good.

 

jeepers creepers. February 17, 2010

Filed under: unemployment diary — mspolymath @ 9:32 am

The other day I was listening to AM Gold (yes!) and “Day by Day” from the horrible musical Godspell came on. That reminded me of the torture we endured, watching Godspell and Jesus Christ Superstar during religion class in high school.

Which reminded me of this Mr. Show classic. Enjoy.

 

fat tuesday. February 16, 2010

Filed under: unemployment diary — mspolymath @ 11:04 am
In Ireland Fat Tuesday is known as Pancake Tuesday because pancakes were a good way to use up your fatty, rich ingredients before Lent began. It’s also International Pancake Day and the women of Liberal, KS will be competing against the women of Olney, England in the pancake races. Women in the two towns run a set course while flipping pancakes in a frying pan. I tried to learn more but the website is overloaded. Go figure.
 

I have put on a few extra pounds lately – around five. Not good. I don’t have room for extra weight – good Lord, next thing you know they’ll be Kevin Smithing me on a plane. I think giving up meat and sweets during Lent will be an effective way to steer me back to a more healthful eating plan. I was doing so well until October – then Annette and I went to ACL, then it was my birthday, then it was Thanksgiving, then it was Christmas…there’s always a reason to put off eating right. So after many, many consecutive Fat Tuesdays, today is the last one for a while. And I’m seriously craving pancakes.

Now all I need is some bacon and life will be complete.

 

looking for bacon. February 15, 2010

Filed under: unemployment diary — mspolymath @ 9:18 am

For the past two weeks, Google searches have sent an inordinately large number of people to my site. What are they looking for? Footloose, naturally. Hundreds and hundreds of people are checking out this post from last July.

I don’t make any money off of this blog as I have no ads and no ad revenue. Still, welcome Bacon searchers. Are you as put out by the idea of a Footloose remake as I am? Anyway, I hope you enjoy the blog.

I also hope you enjoy Andy Samberg’s take on the Kevin Bacon punch dance scene. It’s a personal favorite.